To break up the monotony of my annoying pseudo-philosophical ramblings, I decided to make a short list of things that have come from the mouths of my children. Please feel free to comment with hilarity from your own home.
1. Sawyer: (motioning to larger chair among regular sized chairs in the Dr.'s waiting room) Mom, why are these chairs so big?
Me: I think they're for people who have bigger booties.
Sawyer: The girl who cleans my teeth at the dentist's office has a big booty. (Whispering in a low, deep voice) It's really big.
2. Eamon: I have a penis like Sawyer has.
Me: Sawyer does not have a penis.
Eamon: Sawyer has a girl penis.
Me: It's called a vagina.
3. Eamon: Mama! Look at my penis!
Me: No thank you, son.
4. Sawyer: Mama! Eamon stuck his finger in his butt and then ate carrots!
Me: Eamon, go wash your hands.
Sawyer: Mama, is that disgusting?
Me: Uh, yeah.
5. Madeline: (With due sympathy) Mommy, why are your boobs so small?
Me: Some bodies have big boobs, some have small boobs.
Madeline: Yours are really small (now very sympathetic).
Me: Your chances of having big ones depends solely on your Nana's genetic influence.
6. Madeline: (After reading The Care and Keeping of You- a book on puberty) Mom, what stage of breast development are you in?
Me: Post-lactation.
Madeline: That's not listed in the book.
7. Me: Madeline, you look one of the contestants on fear factor when you eat green beans.
Madeline: I know that show, it's the one where they make you eat moose penis.
Me: Yes, yes it is.
Madeline: I saw it at Uncle Max's house.
8. Me: (As I begin to play the song on Youtube) Sawyer, are you singing "What a Wonderful World" in music class?
Sawyer: I don't want to hear that song Mama! It makes me cry on the inside.
Me: Sawyer, that is why people love that song, it makes us all cry a little bit on the inside.
9. (As she is about to be disowned from our family for whining and terrible behavior) Sawyer: Mom! Look at that balloon! (Points to the sky as a balloon floats high in the air) It's going to see Grandma Phyllis. (Great Grandma Phyllis passed in February.)
10. Eamon (To every woman who looks a day older than I): Hi Grandma! Mama! That's a Grandma!
We're pretty open in the DeWitt house. We don't use euphemisms for taboo body parts or bodily functions. My husband is even a bit creeped out by how brutally honest I will be with our children. The fact is, I'm fairly certain that our open discussions will lead to our children hearing the truth from Jason and I, and not on the school bus. Our openness is especially fun when put into action with my parents. Here are two final examples of our children making my parents super uncomfortable at meal times:
11. Sawyer: (As she and my mother eat breakfast) Grandma, you have a vagina and Pop-Pop has a penis. Mommy and Madda have vaginas too. Daddy and Eamon have penises too.
My mother: (Clearly incredibly uncomfortable) Sawyer, eat your cereal.
12. Eamon: (As he walks into the dining room with a spoon on Easter Sunday) I'm gonna put this Elmo spoon on my penis.
Jason and I: laughing our asses off.
Madeline and Sawyer: Cracking up.
My mom and stepdad: Red as lobsters.
Maybe my training as a social worker has led me to take this honesty thing a bit too far......
Glad I'm not the only one with a thing for Elmo spoons.
ReplyDeleteOh, and Wonderful World was Amy & my first dance song after we got married.
i laughed so hard i cried at every. single. one.
ReplyDeletei want to be a kid in your house for a day.
Maybe it's just all us social workers...as it's the same here across the street! Lauren in the tub the other night, "Mom is my vagina big?" I explain that the part she is pointing to is not her vagina...explain exacatly which part is and that vagina's don't get big...more on penises getting big at a later date...lol
ReplyDelete