Discussions of the Utmost Importance

To break up the monotony of my annoying pseudo-philosophical ramblings, I decided to make a short list of things that have come from the mouths of my children. Please feel free to comment with hilarity from your own home.

1. Sawyer: (motioning to larger chair among regular sized chairs in the Dr.'s waiting room) Mom, why are these chairs so big?

Me: I think they're for people who have bigger booties.

Sawyer: The girl who cleans my teeth at the dentist's office has a big booty. (Whispering in a low, deep voice) It's really big.

2. Eamon: I have a penis like Sawyer has.

Me: Sawyer does not have a penis.

Eamon: Sawyer has a girl penis.

Me: It's called a vagina.

3. Eamon: Mama! Look at my penis!

Me: No thank you, son.

4. Sawyer: Mama! Eamon stuck his finger in his butt and then ate carrots!

Me: Eamon, go wash your hands.

Sawyer: Mama, is that disgusting?

Me: Uh, yeah.

5. Madeline: (With due sympathy) Mommy, why are your boobs so small?

Me: Some bodies have big boobs, some have small boobs.

Madeline: Yours are really small (now very sympathetic).

Me: Your chances of having big ones depends solely on your Nana's genetic influence.

6. Madeline: (After reading The Care and Keeping of You- a book on puberty) Mom, what stage of breast development are you in?

Me: Post-lactation.

Madeline: That's not listed in the book.

7. Me: Madeline, you look one of the contestants on fear factor when you eat green beans.

Madeline: I know that show, it's the one where they make you eat moose penis.

Me: Yes, yes it is.

Madeline: I saw it at Uncle Max's house.

8. Me: (As I begin to play the song on Youtube) Sawyer, are you singing "What a Wonderful World" in music class?

Sawyer: I don't want to hear that song Mama! It makes me cry on the inside.

Me: Sawyer, that is why people love that song, it makes us all cry a little bit on the inside.

9. (As she is about to be disowned from our family for whining and terrible behavior) Sawyer: Mom! Look at that balloon! (Points to the sky as a balloon floats high in the air) It's going to see Grandma Phyllis. (Great Grandma Phyllis passed in February.)

10. Eamon (To every woman who looks a day older than I): Hi Grandma! Mama! That's a Grandma!

We're pretty open in the DeWitt house. We don't use euphemisms for taboo body parts or bodily functions. My husband is even a bit creeped out by how brutally honest I will be with our children. The fact is, I'm fairly certain that our open discussions will lead to our children hearing the truth from Jason and I, and not on the school bus. Our openness is especially fun when put into action with my parents. Here are two final examples of our children making my parents super uncomfortable at meal times:

11. Sawyer: (As she and my mother eat breakfast) Grandma, you have a vagina and Pop-Pop has a penis. Mommy and Madda have vaginas too. Daddy and Eamon have penises too.

My mother: (Clearly incredibly uncomfortable) Sawyer, eat your cereal.

12. Eamon: (As he walks into the dining room with a spoon on Easter Sunday) I'm gonna put this Elmo spoon on my penis.

Jason and I: laughing our asses off.

Madeline and Sawyer: Cracking up.

My mom and stepdad: Red as lobsters.

Maybe my training as a social worker has led me to take this honesty thing a bit too far......

And The Door Closes...

The day after tomorrow, I will be 36 years old. I'm not sure when it happened that I became 50% older than 18, or how it is now a reality that I have been an "adult" for half of my life. The fact is, the evidence is here and I am now heading toward 40 faster than Clark Griwold on a sled after he lubed it up with cooking spray. I can see the big 4-0 in front of me and it is growing more clear by the minute.

As I head toward 40, I see doors closing all around me. I am walking down the hall of my 30's and things are changing. I am starting to see the upside of cosmetic surgery. My hair is at least 30% gray, and I could not go without coloring it. My stylist suggested to me that I needed to wear more make up. I have a daughter who will be in 3rd grade next year. I got a water softener for my birthday. (I would have liked to have a new freezer, maybe next year.) I see mothers at preschool and elementary drop off who are clearly much younger than I. Mothers who are pushing strollers look like high school students. It crosses my mind that they just might be high-schoolers; until I see them walking with their husbands and piling into a mini-van. I am getting older. I am not getting old. Just older. If I were to become pregnant today, I would be considered AMA-Advanced Maternal Age. I would not give birth until the tail end of 36, and I would be 72 when this non-existent child turned 36. Thoughts like these put things into perspective.

As I head toward 40, I see doors opening. Inside of one door, I see a time when I will be able to enjoy the company of my husband without feeling like we are more of a tag-team wrestling duo than a married couple. Inside another door, I see my children dressing themselves and eating a snack which they acquired for themselves. Inside a far off door, I see my new identity forming and I like the person who walks out of that door.

People groan at the thought of becoming older. We're all a bit scared of what we will see when we get over the proverbial "hill." I think a bit of forethought can make for a fabulous walk down the halls of life. A bit of endurance training can make those hills not only manageable, but exciting. As far as I can tell, I'm not even half way through this marathon called life and I refuse to give up now. I probably won't even start to sprint until the last 10k. Bring it on.

Disney Breakdown Pt. 2: The Dark Side

The fact is, while I was at Disney World, I loved it. I was able to look the other way, suspend judgment and pretend that the evil empire of Disney was not at odds with my personal philosophy. Maybe that is why it took me 4 days to recover from my own personal Disney hangover. I was detoxing from the Kool-Aid. Recovering from Disney's constant self-promotion. Rehabilitating from the overwhelming stimulation of the environment.

Because Jason and I grew up in very modest households that could never have afforded us a family trip to Disney World, we were constantly reminding our children about how fortunate they were to be a part of our recent family vacation. Of course, Eamon is two and has no understanding of "gratitude." Sawyer was able to understand that this trip was a treat, but may have only been taking cues from her older sister. Madeline was a model citizen at Disney. She seemed to appreciate (in her 7-yr old way) her good fortune in visiting "the happiest place on earth" and was grateful for all of her experiences and the few things she was able to bring home (most of it free junk).

Interestingly, Madeline repeatedly commented that she wished it were free for everyone to go to Disney World. Let's be honest folks, Disney is not in the business of losing money. They are raking cash in HAND OVER FIST. All day, there were opportunities to buy, buy, buy and BUY. Putting your wallet away at Disney is an act of futility. The only reason to put your wallet back in your purse is for the arm exercise involved in once again extracting it to purchase more self promotion.

I can't stop thinking about the environmental impact of an operation like Disney World. While at Epcot and The Animal Kingdom (AK), I was impressed with some of the efforts to minimize the carbon mouseprint and educate the public on ways to do the same. Unfortunately, many of the practices at ALL of the parks are so inconsistent with the message of conservation and sustainability that I continue to be sick to my stomach. I appreciated the fact that Disney offers carrots and grapes as side dishes with all of their kids meals. Unfortunately, all of those carrots and grapes are prepackaged in a small plastic bag (and have been sprayed with who know what to maximize freshness). Multiply the number of those bags used on any given day by 365 and you have a major problem. At Epcot and AK, you can easily find a recycling bin for your Dasani and Coke bottles (which Disney provides at meals). At The Magic Kingdom or Disney's Hollywood Studios (DHS), you might have to walk across the park. Seriously, is it that hard to strategically place recycling cans? Additionally, I have to wonder about the fireworks display that Disney presents each and every night of the year. Maybe Disney uses eco-friendly fireworks. If they do, I commend them. If not, we have another disaster on our hands. The fact is, I haven't even started on the sheer volume of buses, trams, boats, and rides that are sure to make the carbon mouseprint of Disney World the greatest I have ever witnessed. I have to believe that Disney has it's own landfill...and that it is close to full. As I said, Disney doesn't scrimp and they are not in the business of losing money.

As I stood in various lines during our trip, I had to stop myself from thinking about the economics of Disney World. I wondered how much they pay the ride operators, the dancers or the housekeeping staff. I had to wonder what it must cost to run the place each day. For that matter, how much must it cost to run per year? On the flip side, I was even more curious about the profit of such a place. Leave it to me to google these numbers. They are out there. I will leave it to you to check out. The numbers are astounding. If it gives you any insight into my findings, I am shocked at how pleasant and helpful the "cast members" are.

So there I go again, ruining a perfectly good time. I know. I should just take it at face value and appreciate the fact that I was fortunate enough to take my family to Disney World. I wish I could glaze over when I see that a college educated 20-something is working the Dumbo ride in Fantasyland (and making 7-something per hour). I wish that $3.95 seemed reasonable for a Mickey-shaped ice cream full of preservatives, that was made by people making minimum wage. I wish I was philosophically able to pay $50.00 to let my girls get their hair "done" like a princess. The fact is, I can't contribute because it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Disney is magical. Our family bonded, laughed, gawked, smiled and cried at the amazing moments we encountered. We all loved the place. For us however, it a sometimes thing (a DeWitt-ism). We will probably visit Disney again. In about 10 years. There is no doubt that we will all experience the magic again. We will bond over new, more grown-up experiences when we take our children there as tweens and teens. The fact is, I will have to suspend judgment again. I will come home and need to detox again. I will still have moral objections. Still, I will return. I'm not so integrity driven that I will refuse to set foot in the place! Come on. See you in 2021 Mickey!

Disney Breakdown

This morning, as Jason got ready for work, he was looking rough. Diagnosis? Disney hangover. We arrived home late last night from our family trip to Disney World. Today I feel as though I was hit by a truck. That truck was driven by a mouse in red shorts. As many who I see often know, I was the least excited person ever to book a trip to Disney. The thought of what we were going to encounter in terms of crowds, meltdowns, heat, and cost was enough to give me a panic attack.

I planned this trip more than 6 months ago and had to enlist the help of a travel agent. (She rocked) I truly had no understanding of anything related to Disney World. I didn't even know the names of the parks, outside of Epcot. (Of course, I knew of Epcot because I was 8, and a Michael Jackson fan in 1982 when the place opened.) I honestly didn't even have a working knowledge of the fact that the place where Cinderella's castle is located is called "The Magic Kingdom." I had never heard of "Disney's Hollywood Studios" and I knew little to nothing of "The Animal Kingdom." If you ask me a question about "The Walt Disney World Resort" (I love using quotes to emphasize) now, I could probably answer it with the utmost accuracy and a give a tip to boot.

Because I am type-A, I had to go a bit overboard in the planning of this trip. A friend told me about The Unofficial Guide - Walt Disney World and of the touring plans the book provides. (See touringplans.com if you are interested) The idea of showing up at Disney World with no plan is more than enough to make me start sweating and to get my heart pounding. We showed up with a plan, and then some. What I found was that the touring plans worked, I didn't mind the crowds, and I liked Disney World. I drank the Kool-Aid. Our family had a magical time. On a side note, I have several moral objections to some of the practices and will address them in another blog. Look for the title, "The Dark Side of Disney."

If there is one thing to report, Disney does not scrimp on anything. I cannot imagine the resources necessary to operate this place on a daily basis. The Animal Kingdom has a safari ride that had our mouths gaping open. The animals roam free in a African savanna. Madeline nearly touched a rhinoceros as our car passed. I saw more elephants than in all the zoos I have ever visited added together. An ostrich passed us after checking on it's giant eggs. The practices at this park that educate its guests are outstanding, and I commend the recycling program and use of paper straws. Our kids liked this park however, after the major attractions, they were ready to leave and go swimming. Jason and I loved it and the meal we had was great. We had pulled pork sandwiches at The Flame Tree Barbecue and Jason was a bit annoyed that Disney can mass produce better pulled pork than he can make in his backyard smoker.

Epcot is a phenomenon. (The 1982 in me refers to it as "Epcot Center" but I don't think that is the preferred nomenclature.) Again, the focus on the environment and education of guests is outstanding. Our kids preferred Epcot, although we saw so little of it that I feel I can't really make an assessment of the place. The grounds are beautiful and the Finding Nemo ride was a favorite with our young children. Probably the most impressive experience of my trip was on Soarin' at Epcot. This ride puts you in a simulated hang glider and "flies" you through the diverse terrain of California. The medium providing the experience is an Imax-type screen, coupled with wind machines and various scents designed to heighten the experience. It was exhilarating. There was so much to do inside at Epcot. It would be a great place to go on a rainy day.

On the rainiest day of the year, we went to Disney's Hollywood Studios. It literally did not stop raining for the 7 hours that we toughed it out at this park. I'm not sure that I could report what the place looked like. Because of my poncho, I did not have peripheral vision and the rain obscured my view of everything. We went on Toy Story Mania and it was an all-around hit. Jason was especially proud of his score on this 3-D shooting game based on the movie. I would love to return to this park someday and see what it looks like. Most of it is such a blur and this is my one regret about this trip.

Finally, on the two final days, we went to The Magic Kingdom. Because we knew that our kids would like this place best, we took them there last. The other parks would have been a significant let-down to them. (This was only a hypothesis of mine in the beginning however, it was proven by their not asking if we could leave and go swimming 100 times like at all the other places.)

It is surprising how hard this place is to access. You can't even park at The Magic Kingdom. Instead, you must park in a lot and then take a tram to a train; finally arriving with droves of other mouse worshipping suckers. We made that mistake only once, and decided to take the boat from our resort on our second day. The Magic Kingdom is truly larger than life. The jaw-dropping moments never end. Cinderella's castle is a sight to behold. I could feel myself tearing up while my children jumped up and down and had their pictures taken in front of this iconic sight. It took 2 days to see this park and we saw it all. As I write, I get teary-eyed just thinking how much fun our kids had. The "cast members" call little girls "princess" and despite my personal objections to encouraging princess-like behavior, our girls were so tickled each and every time it happened, that I have to smile when I think of it. Additionally, Eamon was repeatedly called "space ranger" and given a salute. Hilarious. On our final day, the girls dressed in their princess get-ups and were called by their "princess" names. We rode nearly every ride and saw nearly every show. We stayed late on this last day and saw the fireworks. They were spectacular. Eamon, who had never before seen fireworks, was in awe and was unable to stop saying, "Mama, I like that!"

I am so grateful that we were able to take our kids on this vacation. We had so many funny and memorable moments. Jason and I were surely just as enamored by the Disney magic as our children. The place is just unreal. The money that you spend is worth it. Disney is not trying to cheat you out of anything. They give you an experience that you will remember. My greatest tip to those planning to visit this larger than life place is to PLAN AHEAD. Disney preys on those who have not. Bring everything you can with you and you will save a fortune. Practice saying no to your children as soon as you book you trip. Let them know in advance what kind of souvenir they can expect to bring home. For that matter, stay out of the gift shops all together. There is much more to Disney than shopping. Finally, expect to come home with the biggest hangover you can imagine. The Disney Hangover.