Let me get this straight. I am not an ingrate. I realize how fortunate I am to have such ease with fertility, to have the resources to maintain a household of 6 and to be able to stay home with my children. I am grateful on a daily basis. I have focused on the good in all of this. The fact is, the idea of being responsible for the well-being of 4 other human lives is daunting. This is not a joke. There is no dress rehearsal. I have to pull the resources and knowledge necessary to being a good mom out of a hat. I have had no training. Often, parenting books do not seem to apply to my reality, and my entire biological family lives in another state. My husband's family does not live in our town. We are figuring this out as we go along. I am just scared that I will mess up these precious human lives and see my children in therapy because of my mistakes. I know that I lack some of the emotionality and tenderness necessary to motherhood. I know that there are certain things my upbringing did not provide that would have been beneficial. I know that we all come to the parenting table with our fair share of downfalls. I just keep telling myself that there is no perfect parent. Not even the ones that I envy because of their patience and what seems to be a natural affinity for parenting.
With some of my concerns voiced, I can also say that the level of excitement surrounding this kicking, dancing person in my uterus is at an all-time high. We did not find out the sex of this baby and are keeping his or her name a secret. Not that we have a girl's name. Jason's suggestion that we name the baby Campbell if it is a girl arose from the circumstance of my sitting across the table from him in a restaurant, with my back facing a Campbell's soup ad. Not exactly the story I want to tell my poor daughter about the process of creating a special, unique name for her to carry through life. If it is a boy, I think we've got a winner.
The good news is that this pregnancy has been a breeze and according to my first trimester testing, I have the eggs of a 20-year old. Plenty of time to have more children. Just kidding. I think we can do this. Undoubtedly, there will be some tears of joy and pain. Without question, my children will feel the burden of being a part of a large family. They will not be getting expensive gifts at Christmas or for their birthdays. They will wear hand-me-downs (that were probably purchased at the second hand store). They will have to compete for attention. They many not have the opportunity to participate in every activity they desire. They will feel jealousy and contempt for one another. I know all this and yet I still believe there is a privilege to being in a large family. You always have a playmate. It is always a sleepover. You have someone to watch make mistakes, therefore avoiding all kinds of pitfalls. You learn the latest trends earlier. You can steal cool clothes and music from older siblings. Your parents can't pay quite as much attention......
I'll let you know how the transition goes. Surely it will not be easy however, I think it will be possible.
