Unfortunately for Madeline, she has been dealing with some difficult social situations for the past couple of years. I know there is a strong push at this point in history to identify bullies and victims. I am starting to disagree somewhat with this labeling process. For my child, she has adopted the role of victim, because that is what they taught her in bully awareness training. Unfortunately, she has been playing this role quite well. Of course, when other children (family members included) are unkind, it is easy to start feeling sorry for one's self. It is easy to feel like the victim. Now, the fact is that Madeline is kind of a victim of bullying. She has been repeatedly spoken to unkindly. She has even bore the brunt of a bit of unprovoked shoving and pushing. Because she is a relatively confident girl, she stands up for herself. Because she is not the most sensitive kid around, she can brush some of this off. Furthermore, I don't expect her teachers to be able to police every social interaction and make sure Madeline is safe and sound at all times. However, a kid can only take so much before she needs a break. I wish that parents of bullies knew about and dealt with their children's behavior. Unfortunately, this is not always going to be the case. I am most certainly not going to call any other kid's parents and inform them that their child is inflicting pain on my child. This is not my place. I honestly don't care how others choose to parent their kids. I care only to help my child cope with the cards she has been dealt. As I tell my daughter, we can't change others, we can only adjust ourselves.
I am beginning to understand that "relational aggression" (yep, that's what this type of bullying is called) happens really, really early for girls. It can start as early as first grade. This is a sad prospect when you think that school is a long road and will be full of these types of situations. Again, letting Madeline play the role of victim is simply not an option. Playing the victim will never get her anywhere...unless she wants to use the role to some manipulative advantage. And to that I say, "Not in my house, kid." And so I reprise the role of therapist as I help my own daughter develop strategies to improve her social interactions. Re-assuming this role for the benefit of my child has been more than heartbreaking. Trying to coach her on how to navigate the waters of her early friendships has been heart-wrenching. Listening to her cry and admit her anxiety about going to school is simply awful. I admit that I have broken into tears during our lengthy discussions more than once. A total failure on my part. However, I am pregnant and I can hardly stand to watch Madeline experience this kind of pain at age 8. It is simply not fair.
Having said that, Madeline needs to suck it up. I have taken the approach of therapist and mother, telling her that she needs to find new friends, stop feeling sorry for herself, and make lemonade from the lemons she has been given. Her response to my coaching? "I don't really want to watch my lemons rot, Mom." That's my girl. Last night, we discussed that driving down "Vicky Victim Road" is not going to lead her anywhere but to a dead end. She promised to take a right onto "Proactive Pam Drive", a road that could only lead to puppies, unicorns, and rainbows. I have now vowed not to mention the names of the people who Madeline has had difficult with. We have agreed that they are not worth our time. We have promised to focus on solutions, not on problems.
As I said, having to deal with this relational aggression at age 8 is unfair. It would be nice if elementary school were a nice, safe place where everyone could be friends. However, this is not the case. Children of all ages converge on schools every day, bringing with them myriad emotional, psychological, and social issues. It's kind of like the rest of the world; full of people who are sad, confused, hungry, tired, happy, excited, spoiled, needy, and more. Believing that elementary school, or anywhere else for that matter could be a place free of difficult social interactions is completely absurd. My hope is that learning various strategies at such a young age, Madeline will be better prepared to deal with the endless number of difficult social interactions that are to come. If history is any indicator, Madeline will fare quite well. She is, of course in the business of making life easy and livable. Many times for others, but also for herself.
