Of course, I am female (and there to take pics) and therefore, I am unable to attend a wedding without paying some attention to the aesthetic details of the whole business. The weddings have all been quite lovely; each dress more beautiful than the next, each bride flawless and glowing, each groom a true gentleman. I have yet to meet a "bridezilla" or a groom that creeped me out. However, as a non-religious (agnostic) person, the interesting thing to me about all of these weddings has been the ceremony. I am somewhat removed from the wedding scene. At 25 or so, you tend to be a guest at ceremony after ceremony. They all sort of gel together into a nameless, faceless ceremony followed by a party with a bunch of old college friends. As a 36-year old, I pay attention to the words of the officiant (minister, preacher, pastor, celebrant, whatever) and I am somewhat fascinated by the words and traditions. I too was married by a man of God. I'm fairly certain we just went with society's traditions on that one. Not to mention I was too busy vomiting to even care one way or the other about the details of my wedding.
But, back to the point. All of the ceremonies very traditionally spelled out the guidelines for man and wife. All of these ceremonies have been Christian. All of them have very similar tenets, ie.."Do you promise to honor, obey, be faithful, etc." As I sit in the back of the church, I find myself wondering if the happy couple standing before me have any idea what they are getting themselves into. I wonder if, through their counseling with their "officiant" they have reviewed the expectations of a "wife" or a "husband" and if they took any of the discussions to heart. Or are they like me? Did they just want to marry their significant other because they were overwhelmed with feeling and love and passion and excitement (and pregnancy)? Do they really feel like their marriage is between themselves and God and the whole church community? Or are they just excited to spend their lives with that one special person? Or are they just getting married because it is the next logical step in a long-term monogamous relationship?
After all this wondering, it comes down to the following questions. Was I at all prepared for marriage? Was I unprepared for marriage because of the lack of religious affiliation throughout my life? Was I unprepared because my parents were divorced and I lacked having that relationship modeled for me? Was I unprepared because I was 51 weeks into a relationship with my would-be husband and 16 weeks pregnant? Was I unprepared because our lives were unstable and marked by the unknown in every way?
Or are we all unprepared for this thing called marriage? Do any of us really know what we are getting into? Are we all just wearing rose-colored glasses and hoping for the best? Do we think it will be easy....or get easier? Did anyone mention to you that marriage is much, much more complicated than it looks and that the dress, ring and reception mean absolutely nothing when you get down to it?
Now, before you start thinking that I am writing this because I am on the verge of divorce, let me correct you. I am very happily married. I really did marry the right person. I did it with zero counseling from a religious figure, and I did it quickly because I was knocked up. We had a shotgun wedding with 12 people at the ceremony and 50 at the reception. By no means was it the wedding of a little girl's dreams. Regardless, it served it's purpose and is completely legal and binding. We have had to make up our own rules as we progress together.
I am writing this because marriage is a fascinating relationship and because I am going to be a real guest at 2 weddings in the month of June. As I sit in my seat (or pew) I will again wonder about my ability to make marriage work and what ingredients are necessary. Or which ingredients should be left out entirely. This is not to say that I couldn't benefit from some good old fashioned heathen reading on the subject...that is if any of you know of such a text.
I find that weddings and marriages have little to do with one another when you get down to it. But that may be because, to me, the wedding wasn't transformative. It was just formalizing what was already in place.
ReplyDeleteOur wedding was, as you might expect, completely secular. My former boss, a lawyer, got himself appointed as a judge pro tem and officiated. His speech was short, but very nice. And it was entirely about Amy & me. Religious weddings, funerals, and other ceremonies so often feature speeches where the individuals participating are basically interchangeable. [Insert bride, groom, or decedent here.]
I suppose things could change. But, after 15 years together and almost 11 years of marriage, I'm still waiting for things to get difficult. Other parts of life can be tough, but the marriage part of things hasn't been.