What My Husband Probably Thinks....(inspired by Bilak)

Recently, a friend from high school joked that he would like to start a sarcastic version of my blog, as told from the male perspective. As I told him, there are endless ways to poke fun at the Mommy blog. I'm sure many non-moms or non-parents read a Mommy blog and find the information trite and annoying. I get it. I do. So, in the spirit of Bilak's comment, I will attempt to write a blog from my husband's perspective. I will start his internal dialogue from the time he wakes up in the morning.

Today when I woke up at 7pm, I was so tired, but ready for a little you know what. My wife was still sleeping with those stupid pajama pants on that have a tie around the waist. She probably double knots those SOB's so that I will leave her alone. In my defeat, I headed to the shower and got ready as quickly as I could. I really wanted to get out of there before any of the kids woke up. I hate when they wake up crying and needy and want me to help them with a bunch of stuff. So, I kissed Katie and headed to work. I had a busy day; implant case, pediatric sedations, a full mouth at 2pm. Generally a good, productive day. I ate a crappy lunch from Wendy's despite the fact that Katie encouraged me to take the leftovers from last night. I always act like I forget the leftovers because honestly, Katie is a terrible cook. Not to mention the fact that she insists on using green peppers, tomatoes and onions in 90% of the crap she makes. I hate all three of those ingredients but moreover, I hate leftovers. I prefer the Baconator. Cholesterol and/or saturated fat are not concerns of mine. Anyway, after jacking around at my desk long after everyone else has gone home, I head home myself. Katie has already called me 5 times (screaming kids were, of course in the background) and asked me to bring her a Diet Coke from the fridge at work. I always try to bring her one. It scores me some points. (You know what I'm talking about, right guys?) Anyway, I walk into my house and it is trashed. My baby boy starts crying and holding his arms up to me, the girls are dressed like bag lady-princesses and are running around screaming like banshees. My wife looks like she has not slept in 10 days. She is cooking some slop that I explore critically and I start thinking about how pissed she might be if I suggest a phone call to Papa John's. Honestly, she tries, but she is not a good cook. I go through my normal routine: listen to Katie blabber on about her day and all of the "interesting" things that she did (I process approximately 25% of the information), I check cnnsi.com, I go upstairs and change clothes. I start wondering what kind of shot I have at getting Katie to hook up with me tonight. I ruin my "dinner" by eating crackers and cheese so that I don't have to eat that mess she has created. I attempt to talk to my daughters who are currently dancing and singing to some super loud music blaring from the TV. I hold my dirty son who looks like one of those babies you see in a cart at Wal-Mart. And then, I start to help my wife. She looks overwhelmed, tired and in need of a shower. I pick up a little bit, try to help my 1st grader with her homework, hold my son and play with our younger daughter. I have to admit it, my life is pretty good. I have cute kids, a great wife and I work 4 days a week. I'm honestly a pretty good husband and an attentive Dad. Seriously though, what do you think my chances are with Katie tonight?