Commitments

Somewhere between 8pm when the kids have gone to sleep and 11pm when I am headed in the same direction, I tend to do an analysis of the day. I wonder how well I parented my children. I wonder if I paid any attention at all to my loving husband, or to our super-cool relationship. I wonder if I was kind to others that I came into contact with throughout the day. The list of things included in this analysis can even branch into how well I ate and what I fed my family. I take note of whether I exercised, wrote or took pictures (my favorite extra-curriculars). After this lengthy (and often guilt-ridden) analysis is over, I start to make commitments to myself about the following days and weeks. Generally, I promise myself that I will be more patient, loving and kind to my kids and husband and that I will focus on building them up, rather than tearing them down. The fact is, during my day, I am constantly in a hurry to do the next "important" thing. Often, in this attempt to accomplish more things than necessary, I fail to do what is really important(see italicized commitment above). It has come to my attention that I make this mistake almost daily. So today, I declare for all (well, all 4-5 of my readers) my commitments to myself and to this adorable family of mine:
1. I hope to be more patient.
2. I hope to be kind, in an attempt to build people up.
3. I WILL stop feeding my kids so many processed foods.
4. I hope to decrease obsessive cleaning/organizing in favor of quality time with my family.
5. I hope to read more.
6. I hope to learn more.
7. I hope to pick my battles.
8. I hope to bite my tongue.
9. I WILL SWALLOW MY PRIDE.
10. I hope to be a good friend.

This is a tall order, yet a very simple list. I'm not sure where I will start. Maybe I'll start by eating some (all) of those Girl Scout Cookies in the pantry so as not to taint my children with all of that processed poison. Hey, at least I have a place to begin when the analysis starts tonight.

Things That Are Not Overrated

Last weekend, nearly 7 years into my marriage, I went on my honeymoon. Now, don't get too jealous, it was not a traditional honeymoon. There was no tropical scenery, there was no cabana on the beach. There were no long walks hand-in-hand in the sand. This was an unconventional honeymoon in every sense. The most unconventional part of this excursion was the fact that my husband was not really with me for the majority of the trip. He was sequestered in our hotel room, studying for the board exam we went to Dallas, Texas for him to take. We arrived on Friday early in the afternoon and I was on my own until his test was completed on Sunday afternoon. Don't get me wrong, I really couldn't have cared less. I was free. I had no children; no one to take care of except myself, and that is all the vacation I needed.

I went running, shopping, and out to eat by myself. I took naps and read some chic-lit. Complete selfishness. I ate high-calorie foods and drank alcoholic beverages in the middle of the day. It was blissful. The day before we were set to return home to Indiana, my husband completed his test and was ready to join the already in-progress honeymoon. Ironically enough, that was Valentine's Day. We went to a museum and out to eat at a very grown-up restaurant. (You know, the kind where there is no kids menu.) It was wonderful. We talked and laughed and got to know each other as married adults, rather than parents. Despite the fact that we love them, we did not really talk about our children(during that meal). We again realized that we have so much in common and had a lot of other things to discuss. Fun things. Plans for the future. Most notably, our next adults-only excursion.

The following day, following a 12 noon check-out, we had more than seven hours to entertain ourselves. We walked a mile in the cold Dallas sunshine to hang at a bookstore and then see a movie. We chose "It's Complicated" mostly because we both love Alec Baldwin and because there was not much else. The movie was hilarious. We laughed out loud--repeatedly. I'm not kidding. It is really funny. The point of this however, is that one specific quote from Meryl Streep's character (Jane) struck me. A hard-working divorcee with 3 children, she had not spent a lot of time enjoying herself for many years. While on a date with the character played by Steve Martin (Adam), Jane exclaims, "Fun is not overrated!!" This struck me because, although I am not a hard working divorcee with 3 children, Jason and I have not had quite enough time in the past 8 years to have fun. Don't get me wrong, we have some fun. The fact is, we haven't been dedicated to insisting that fun is part of our budget, calendar or daily agenda. We have, of course, made plenty of time for cleaning, working and making sure our kids have baths every other night. My counter tops are sanitized twice daily and the playroom is picked up every night. Laundry is folded and put away, my floor is generally crumb-free. The previously noted quote reminded me that fun is more important than all of this cleanliness and routine, and that it is time to schedule some. I do not have the luxury of spur of the moment fun, as I have 3 children. I do, however have the option to make fun more of a priority in my marriage and in the lives of my kids. Next adults-only trip: Vegas. Who's in?

Best Day Ever

As much as I intend to continue my honest accounts and candid discussions of parenting, I also have to remember that this is not only a place to connect with others on the hard stuff. As I continue my commitment to weekly blogging, I also want to celebrate the joy that parenting can bring and I want to do that from the perspective of my kids. We have a couple frequently used phrases in the DeWitt houseshold. One (and the most commonly used) is "less than ideal." For example:

Katie: Hey Jason, today when I was pulling into the garage, I sort of scratched the new mini-van.

Jason: Is it bad?

Katie: Well, it's less than ideal.

Today I am not talking about "less than ideal." In truth, I am talking about just the opposite. The phrase currently under discussion is another favorite: "Best Day Ever." Because young children are lucky enough to be without things like mortgage payments, insurance premiums, job stress and marital spats, they often experience unrelenting joy in relation to their daily activities. The best part is that to have the "Best Day Ever", kids do not need to go to Disney Land or Cedar Point. They don't need an enormous water park or the presence of a mountain of Christmas gifts. Here are some examples of times when I have, while watching my kids at the peak of their joy, exclaimed for them, "BEST DAY EVER!!!":

1. First time swimming in the summer.

2. School carnival (this happend for us this past weekend) or movie night.

3. Summer nights with a flashlight and jar to catch lightening bugs.

4. Baking and decorating Christmas cookies.

5. Going to Grandma's (or Nana's) house.

6. Having a picinic and play time in the park.

7. Going to a family friend's house to play.

8. HALLOWEEN

9. Birthday parties (yours or someone else's).

10. Valentine's Day, complete with cheap cards and candy.

11. A candle-lit dinner.

12. Days that include a disproportionate amount of dancing.

13. First snow of the season.

14. Watching a movie with popcorn and your mom and dad.

15. The last day of school.

16. Snow days!

17. A water balloon fight.

18. Learning (finally) to ride a 2-wheeler.

19. Pumpkin patch day.

20. Playing outside in the spring, all day long.

This past Saturday, Madda came into our room at 7:30, ready to start the day. When asked why she was up so early, she responded with the following, "I just can't wait for all the things I get to do today. I have the carnival, piano lessons and a babysitter!" I could really learn something from her about getting up and being ready to enjoy my daily activities. What is on your list for the best day ever? Truthfully, mine starts at Target.

The Secret Lives of Newborns (inspired by Gretchen and Katy)

Ok, remember when you were pregnant (or, if you're a man, thanks for reading and your wife/partner/whatever was pregnant)? You were so excited and hopeful. You bought a bunch of shiny new stuff that Babies 'R' Us convinced you that you needed. You had baby showers and sniffed and accurately identified melted candy bars in diapers. You had ultrasounds and heard the heartbeat. You dreamt of holding your baby in your brand new over-priced glider with a sense of serenity heretofore unseen. You declared that you would not want to expose your precious package to nipple confusion and that he or she would not be taking pacifiers or bottles until a healthy, stable breastfeeding routine was established. You read all the books. You may have played mozart, refused to wear nail polish or dye your hair. You were going to be the best parent EVER. This child would be the smartest, cutest and most well-rounded baby in the history of the WORLD, so help you God.

The thing is, when they hand you a real, live baby, all bets are off. The secret lives of newborns include things people failed to mention to you like long, sleepless nights, ear wax, stinky feet, spit up, frustration, disgusting diapers and colic (my personal favorite). Additionally, all babies are different and there is no manual written specifically for how to manage yours. It is such a learning process and as the Johnson and Johnson commercial proclaims, "Having a baby changes everything." It changes your hormones, your relationships, your sleeping patterns your perspective, and your values, not to mention everything about your day to day. I know there are lucky parents out there who bring home their newborn and things go rather smoothly. Jason and I are not those parents. It took until the 3rd try for us to bring home an easy baby. Unfortunately for us, we already had two colic veterans at home who were ready and waiting to throw a wrench into our dream of heading home from the hospital to relax and enjoy our newborn son. Bringing babies home has not been the picture of serenity and motherhood that I had anticipated. I thought that I would sit in my shiny, new (Babies 'R' Us) over-priced glider nursing my baby to sleep as I sipped on an organic beverage and read a parenting book. Not so. It was more like me sitting there in tears as I begged my colicky (and non-english speaking) infant to nurse because as they force you to believe, "breast is best!" This scenario went on for two daughters straight. It was not the pleasure that I had thought it would be. I'm here to tell you that the popular info we receive as young parents is not always 100% accurate. Parenting a newborn is hard, emotional work and is often done by a mother who is overwhelmed and feels isolated and inadequate. I was that parent. I was married to a man who worked 90 hours a week and I had very little support in the early years. After our first daughter was born, I ended up with Post Partum Depression and suffered feelings of despair and anxiety that I cannot accurately describe in words. I eventually sought treatment, but was ashamed at having become a Parents Magazine story, a statistic and a wreck of a person in the process. Parenting is not always pretty, even the parenting of a beautiful and precious newborn. Believe me, I LOVE BABIES they are precious, amazing and a miracle in every way. I just want to put it out there that if you, as a parent haven't always felt that raising a newborn was all it was cracked up to be: that is ok. I agree with you. We still have as much love and wonder in relation to our children as the next mom. We just had a few bumps and a lot of ear wax and/or stinky feet on the way.

Candidly..

I kind of wonder about my honesty in blogging. I have been talking about my family and our misadventures with love and excitement. As I reread my posts, I am sure that they are fairly honest and straightforward. Of course, I am relaying the stories after the fact. Oftentimes, the things that I am writing about do not come from a place of warmth and happiness. Many times, I am taking a new perspective on a situation that is resolved and that I can laugh at. The fact is, I want to be more candid about my experiences as a parent. Parenting is not always the picture that you see from the outside when a hip mom walks by with her cute children and handsome husband. There is a story there. A story that you do not see which includes tears, stress, pain and exhaustion. I am not trying to be Debbie-downer and I would never discount the fact that parenting is often joyous and a fantastic experience for those who choose it. Nonetheless, it is often quite difficult and I am going to force myself to write more candidly about the difficult experiences. I am choosing to take this candid approach because there is no greater comfort than when I am speaking with another mom and we can both "admit" feelings that we have about our parenting experiences that cause guilt, anxiety and shame. This all hit me this past weekend while I was running with a great pal of mine. She was telling me about a friend of hers who she feels is very honest about the ups and downs of parenting. Her defining comment on the subject was, "when we hang up the phone after talking, we both feel better." She claims they feel better because they have both come clean about some less than ideal thoughts or feelings they might have had regarding family life. It's definitely a bit of "misery loves company" when we talk to another parent who shares our struggles. Finally, I can't help but give credit to my husband when I talk about being more candid. He is candid. I love it. He says stuff that others only think and we both laugh our butts off at how awful we must sound. Whatever. I'll take it.

Next candid post: Taking care of a newborn.....

Pink Eye Hell

Some years, we are very lucky and have little in the way of illness. This year is not that year. It started when I opened my fat trap around Thanksgiving and started bragging about how we had seen little in the way of colds or anything else. I should know better than to open my mouth. Since that time, we have been fighting off various things that I will not go into.

Right now, we are in the midst of living in Pink Eye Hell. Pink eye sucks in particular because it is an "illness' that can often result in nothing more than red, goopy eyes on children who are completely fine in all other respects. This is the kind of Pink Eye we are currently experiencing. We are all stuck in this house together and while I continue my futile attempts to sanitize all surfaces and toys, my kids are like caged animals. They really need to the opportunity to their "wiggles out." Therefore, because I cannot in good conscience take all 3 of these infected children to a confined and frequented kids typ place, I had to come up with an alternative course of action. I may have previously mentioned that I own a very sexy mini-van with most of the bells and whistles; including a DVD player. So, I packed the kids in the mini-van and headed to the Red Box to rent them a DVD so that I could at least get a bit of peace while they watched a movie in the car and I drove. I know-very environmentally friendly. (Get off my back alright. I'm a recycling nazi and I waste almost nothing.) Seriously, I was desperate for a place where I would no longer hear crying, whining and screaming.

Like fugitives, ran from the monotony of our home and took to the open road. The open road being I-65, it drove us straight to Indianapolis where I decided to utilize our zoo membership. What a great message to send to my 6-year old, "Hey Madda, when you stay home from school, we get to do fun things like watch movies, eat McDonalds and go to the zoo." Awesome parenting, I know. Regardless, we were 1 of 5 families in the entire zoo. It was really enjoyable and the perfect prescription to alleviate our cabin fever. The lions were up walking around and roaring, the rhinos were playing (well, kinda) and the monkeys were extra playful. It was the best zoo trip we have ever taken; even if we were playing hooky. Actually, that was probably why it was so much fun.

A Summons....

I feel like a pretty lucky lady and I am thankful every day for the life I have been given. My husband, when I start to spout off my feelings of gratitude, is forever reminding me that our luck in life is not an abstract, untangible thing but an accumulation of good choices and endeavors throughout the years. I believe that he is correct. It would be impossible to make a list, accounting for all of those good choices and endeavors however, I am aware of a few of them in the forefront of my mind. Many of them are unknown to me or to Jason, but I believe that we must have done something right as our lives are pretty rewarding. When I look at the top of my list of gratitude, I am thankful that I get to stay home with my children. Wow. It is such a gift.

In reality, as much as I believe in the choice I have made to stay at home with them, I still think about what I might do as they grow and are more independent. The older I get, the more I realize the importance of having various "meaningful roles" in our lives. As my kids individuate, I am going to need to refocus my caretaking efforts into something else; caretaking or otherwise. Yesterday, a wonderful woman that I went to high school with posted the quote below from what appears to be an anthology of spiritual meditations and prayers from the around the world. So far, my research has turned up only a vague understanding of the source "Terma Collective" . When I read this, it hit me so hard that I had to pause in the midst of getting children ready for whatever activity they were slated for, and reflect. I wonder how many other moms out there are listening for their "calling." I hope you enjoy this like I did:

What In Your Life Is Calling You?

What in your life is calling you?

When all the noise is silenced,

the meetings adjourned,

the lists laid aside,

and the wild iris blooms by itself in the dark forest,

what still pulls at your soul?

In the silence between your heartbeats

hides a summons.

Do you hear it?

Name it, if you must,

or leave it forever nameless,

but why pretend it is not there?

Terma Collective